I feel like I need to blog. Not just a few times a year, but several. Maybe even twice in a 24 hour period...
I'd like to talk about the fact that I am lazy. I am a horrible goal setter, as previously stated, and I am probably one of the laziest people you'll ever meet. As a stay at home mom with a very good child, I have lots of time to get things done. But I just don't. All I want to do is sit around and feel sorry for myself, even when there's nothing to even feel sorry for! I feel sorry for myself that I have so many goals that I want to accomplish and can't or just feel that I am not good enough because I have an idea in my mind of the person I want to be, and can never seem to reach it.
I desperately want to change that, but it's just how I have always been. It may have something to do with the fact that I have always battled depression. I've never liked to talk about it much, because I don't like the stereotypes that are associated with people with depression, and since it was several years ago I find it hard to make it relevant anymore. Many people do not think it is a real thing, but I can tell you, it is. I struggled with severe depression all through middle school and high school and was on medication for about 6 years. I hated feeling like I needed medication to fix me. I hated that there was something wrong with me, so I wouldn't even take it as recommended by the doctor. I was very destructive. I hurt everyone around me. I physically hurt myself, I drank, I abused prescription medication and I smoked. All to dull myself so I couldn't feel. I lied to the people that cared most about me, and I manipulated them. I did all of this because I had convinced myself that I was not worth anything and I tried to ruin everything around me. I needed to hurt myself because I was hurting so deeply inside and that was my only relief. There were many days that I thought I was losing my mind. I skipped school almost everyday, and I barely graduated from high school. I went to three high schools trying to figure out where I belonged, and I never did. I didn't have many friends.
Writing this is so difficult because it makes me remember the emotions that I experienced and all the times that I thought that everyone would be better off if I was just gone, but for some reason I feel like I need to write it.
After I graduated from high school, I moved to Idaho with my mom and dad because my dad got a job there. I made the decision that I was going to change my life around. I started going back to church and stopped my medication cold turkey. I have not been on any since and I never plan on being on it again. I just hate medication in general, and it's been really hard since, but I feel so much better. I know that my Heavenly Father helped me overcome it, because I was going to continue to ruin my life or maybe something worse. I still find myself struggling with those feelings from time to time, but I've worked too hard to fall back into any of my old routines. God gave me a chance to be someone new and I took it and I'm never going back. I just like to remember what it was like, what I was like. I don't ever want to forget that time in my life, as painful as it was, because those experiences made me who I am today. I'm not saying that everyone with depression can overcome it like I did because we are all very different. And medication is very helpful for those that need it.
Now that I went off in a rant... my point was that the lack of motivation has always been a problem for me, depression related or not. I don't know how to get motivated. I want to set goals and reach them. I want to be a better person. I just don't know how. So here's to hoping that in 2014 I can actually achieve one of my goals. After writing this I feel like my rant about my experience with depression may have not really served a purpose, but hey, I took the time to write it so I am not deleting it. :)
If you like it, you can keep it. If you don't, send it right back.
I'm not sure where you starting at the B.O. fits into this timeline but you've always seemed like a happy person to me, from the distant kind of association that we've had. I like your perspective about Heavenly Father helping you overcome it. This year with my art I was going to kick butt and do all kinds of things, but life hit & I lost my motivation. I think I only drew like 4 things this year, compared to 20+ the year before. I wanted to draw A LOT, but could rarely get myself to do it. So this year my goal for my art is to draw daily even if its just for an hour. That way its just a small thing, not a big feat. And hopefully the repetition will get me in a groove. I know this isn't about me, but I think its a true principle, to start small. But however you go about it from here, I wish you luck with it. :)
ReplyDeleteKevin this was all from about 2001-2007. And ever since I left my home in Oregon and went back to church everything in my life changed. I am a completely different person now from the person I described in this post. With a talent like yours, it's selfish not to share :) :) And thank you!
DeleteFrom James Altucher: http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2011/02/how-to-be-the-luckiest-guy-on-the-planet-in-4-easy-steps/
ReplyDeleteOn a scale of happiness from 0 to 10, I think I’m about a seven or eight. But that’s a big improvement. When I was lying on the floor here, I was probably about a zero. Or at different points in this story, I was maybe at negative. So I’m trending upwards. I get lucky when I stick to three simple goals:
My ONLY Three Goals in Life
A) I want to be happy.
B) I want to eradicate unhappiness in my life.
C) I want every day to be as smooth as possible. No hassles.
That’s it. I’m not asking for much. I need simple goals else I can’t achieve them.
There’s been at least ten times in my life that everything seemed so low I felt like I would never achieve the above three things and the world would be better off without me. Other times I felt like I was stuck at a crossroads and would never figure out which road to take. Each time I bounced back.
When I look back at these times now I realize there was a common thread. Each time there were four things, and only four things, that were always in place in order for me to bounce back. Now I try to incorporate these four things into a daily practice so I never dip low again.
cont..
THE DAILY PRACTICE
ReplyDeleteA) Physical – being in shape. Doing some form of exercise. In 2003 I woke up at 5am every day and from 5-6am I played “Round the World” on a basketball court overlooking the Hudson River. Every day (except when it rained). Trains would pass and people at 5:30am would wave to me out the window. Now, I try to do yoga every day. But its hard. All you need to do, minimally, is exercise enough to break a sweat for 10 minutes. So about 20-30 minutes worth of exercise a day. This is not to get “ripped” or “shredded”. But just to be healthy. You can’t be happy if you aren’t healthy. Also, spending this time helps your mind better deal with its daily anxieties. If you can breathe easy when your body is in pain then its easier to breathe during difficult situations. Here’s other things that are a part of this but a little bit harder:
Wake up by 4-5am every day.
Go to sleep by 8:30-9. (Good to sleep 8 hours a night!)
No eating after 5:30pm. Can’t be happy if indigested at night.
B) Emotional– If someone is a drag on me, I cut them out. If someone lifts me up, I bring them closer. Nobody is sacred here. When the plane is going down, put the oxygen mask on your face first. Family, friends, people I love – I always try to be there for them and help. But I don’t get close to anyone bringing me down. This rule can’t be broken. Energy leaks out of you if someone is draining you. And I never owe anyone an explanation. Explaining is draining.
Another important rule: always be honest. Its fun. Nobody is honest anymore and people are afraid of it. Try being honest for a day (without being hurtful). Its amazing where the boundaries are of how honest one can be. Its much bigger than I thought. A corollary of this is: I never do anything I don’t want to do. Like I NEVER go to weddings.
C) Mental – Every day I write down ideas. I write down so many ideas that it hurts my head to come up with one more. Then I try to write down five more. The other day I tried to write 100 alternatives kids can do other than go to college. I wrote down eight, which I wrote about here. I couldn’t come up with anymore. Then the next day I came up with another 40. It definitely stretched my head. No ideas today? Memorize all the legal 2 letter words for Scrabble. Translate the Tao Te Ching into Spanish. Need ideas for lists of ideas? Come up with 30 separate chapters for an “autobiography”. Try to think of 10 businesses you can start from home (and be realistic how you can execute them)? Give me 10 ideas of directions this blog can go in. Think of 20 ways Obama can improve the country. List every productive thing you did yesterday (this improves memory also and gives you ideas for today).
The “idea muscle” atrophies within days if you don’t use it. Just like walking. If you don’t use your legs for a week, they atrophy. You need to exercise the idea muscle. It takes about 3-6 months to build up once it atrophies. Trust me on this.
(use waiter pads to write down ideas)
cont...
D) Spiritual. I feel that most people don’t like the word “spiritual”. They think it means “god”. Or “religion”. But it doesn’t. I don’t know what it means actually. But I feel like I have a spiritual practice when I do one of the following:
ReplyDeletePray (doesn’t matter if I’m praying to a god or to dead people or to the sun or to a chair in front of me – it just means being thankful. And not taking all the credit, for just a few seconds of the day).
Meditate – Meditation for more than a few minutes is hard. It’s boring. Here I give tips for 60 second meditations. You can also meditate for 15 seconds by really visualizing what it would be like meditate for 60 minutes. Here’s a simple meditation: sit in a chair, keep the back straight, watch yourself breathe. If you get distracted, no problem. Just pull yourself back to your breath. Try it for 5 minutes. Then six.
Being grateful – I try to think of everyone in my life I’m grateful for. Then I try to think of more people. Then more. Its hard.
Forgiving – I picture everyone who has done me wrong. I visualize gratefulness for them (but not pity).
Studying. If I read a spiritual text (doesn’t matter what it is: Bible, Tao Te Ching, anything Zen related, even inspirational self-help stuff, doesn’t matter) I tend to feel good. This is not as powerful as praying or meditating (it doesn’t train your mind to cut out the BS) but it still makes me feel good.
My own experience: I can never achieve the three “simple” goals on a steady basis without doing the above practice on a daily basis. And EVERY TIME I’ve hit bottom (or close to a bottom, or I’ve been at some sort of crossroads.) and started dong the above 4 items (1991, 1995, 1997, 2002, 2006, 2008) magic would happen:
The Results
A) Within about one month, I’d notice coincidences start to happen. I’d start to feel lucky. People would smile at me more.
B) Within three months the ideas would really start flowing, to the point where I felt overwhelming urges to execute the ideas.
C) Within six months, good ideas would start flowing, I’d begin executing them, and everyone around me would help me put everything together.
D) Within a year my life was always completely different. 100% upside down from the year before. More money, more luck, more health, etc. And then I’d get lazy and stop doing the practice. And everything falls apart again. But now I’m trying to do it every day.
Its hard to do all of this every day. Nobody is perfect. I don’t know if I’ll do all of these things today. But I know when I do it, it works.
Thanks Devin. That was actually very helpful. I know for a fact that I need to do all 4 of those things. It's just hard to actually do them. Ha ha.
DeleteThank you for sharing Abbey. It takes a TON of courage to post something like this! I myself have experienced very similar feelings and actions in the past. I don't think I have ever truly been depressed but I can only imagine the pain it must cause. I know for myself (and like you said, everyone is different) eliminating any kind of negativity, joining the church, and surrounding myself with people who lift me up, has made a huge impact on my life. I know there are SO many people who love and care about you... especially that sweet baby boy of yours!! I'm sure it takes baby steps to try and overcome something like this. But posting this shows you have an incredible amount of strength! I will keep you in my prayers! Here's to a new year and a new start! Xoxo.
ReplyDeleteThanks Ashley, you're sweet. You're so right, those 3 things are probably the most important! It's not as much of a struggle anymore, not in the way it was in those years, but we all have our ups and downs and I think I'm fairly normal now! Lol.
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